Hello readers and friends,
It's 3.36pm Sunday afternoon when I started writing this post. Let's see how many days will I take to finish up the writing. I could complete it today if I put my mind to it or stay focused, who knows.
Now, at this moment, I am feeling totally worn out. It's totally legit for me to say that, since my day starts at 6am. Everything needed to be done in exact time such as sending Sara to school, preparing my little business ( the packed lunch, remember? If not, you can revert to my April post, A Little Side Income
Yeap, I am still doing it. Why, that's what helped me to vacationing in Chiang Mai last August.
My packed lunch business must be ready by 10am. Then it had to be sent over to the vendor soon as I am done packing.
I usually finished the whole regiment, that include doing the dirty laundry and dish washing and lunch cooking by 12:30pm. By now my spinal cord is crying for me to slow down. It wouldn't be so bad if I am still in my thirties. But fifty? Well, think it this way. It's a good form of exercising.
I got some time to relax after 2 o'clock and that's the time when I can start my blogging. But what usually deter me from writing religiously was my strayed mind. I can't stay focus. There were so many things on my mind that is interfering with my creativity. I prided myself as someone who thinks like a man, yet I am an ultra sensitive person. I cried easily and I dwell on some unnecessary matters longer than it should.
That's what I hate most about myself. I give one example. Lets say, Sophie didn't call me for just about two days and she didn't even text me. Just because of this little slip up, I thought the worse of it. Maybe she's bored talking to me or worse, she had nothing to talk about with me. I found myself assuming things that she herself didn't know about. Then I started feeling sorry for myself. See what I mean?
There's one other thing that I hate about myself. I like to keep things to myself. I may be at my boiling point with someone or anyone (especially those closest to me), but I kept the dissatisfaction bottled up inside me. I can't bring myself to blurt out what/how I truly felt. I thought they would get hurt if I am being honest and truthful.
It didn't help to make the situation better. It only make the matters worse and make me feel terribly stressed. And to wonder how on earth did I get the cancer!
I also have a heart of jelly. Too soft hearted which could put me in a disadvantage position occasionally. My husband and the two girls knew me like the back of their hands. A number of times they had to stop me from being overly generous. Not that I am rich, no ma'am, of that I am sure. It's just that, I am a sucker, for sad story. (doesn't sound cool for a fifty year old to use that kind of word,huh?)
If anybody were to walk up to me and tell me their sob story and asked for some donation, he or she wouldn't leave empty handed. When I was at the wet market in the morning, there were some old men selling their home grown vegetable or old ladies selling their home-made cakes, I am torn.To buy or not to buy. Half of me is saying it's gonna go into waste as I don't need those at home, the other half is urging me to buy. It only cost a pittance. I won't go broke by buying their goods. Honestly, I really don't need those things at home yet I felt sorry for them. It's a back breaking job to toil the land with their bare hands to cultivate some produce and sell it on their own for how much? RM 3.00 for a kilo of sweet potatoes. And the ladies, they had to sacrifice their sleep having to wake up at three or four o'clock in the morning to prepare the Malay cakes and sell at 0.30 a piece. I am pretty sure you guys would do the same as I do. I had toughened up a bit lately but like they say, old habits die hard.
I've got this bad habit of not looking into a person's eyes, as and when I am upset with that particular person. I can feel my facial muscle contracting and my whole body synchronizing as if in agreement with my feeling at that moment. I tried changing the way I behave but I doubt I'll be able to do that at this point of time.
What else? Oh yes, when I am in my foul mood at one of the inhabitants at home, everybody else will feel the heat too. Lets say Ariff was the source of anger for that day, rest assure he wasn't alone. Whoever dares to cross my path will feel my wrath too. Even though I wasn't the nagging type or the yelling type, my quietness and my curt responses will make everyone around uneasy. It took me a longer time to cool off the temperature.
The last one is my forgetfulness or shall I say absent-mindedness? Are the two the same in meaning? Same meaning or not, I am both of the above. I always seem to forget the recent event or conversations that I just had with someone. By far, the worse is when I am driving, be it on my own or with any one of my family members. I tend to forget where I am heading. At times I even forget the route I am taking. What I'd do (if I am alone) I would stop the car and had to take a moment to think back before I left the house. Sound creepy, doesn't it? Just the other day, coming back from town with Sara and upon reaching home, I asked her if my cell phone was with her. She said no. I walked back to the car and began searching everywhere. I was about to think that Sara is playing me up. Then she pointed to my hand. It was in my left hand all the while. Funny thing is I have a clear and vivid mind for long term memories. I must be suffering from short term memory loss.
The most terrifying thought is I might ended up being an Alzheimer patient. Touch wood! Even to think that I had to depend on people for every single thing can made me cringe.
Despite all the weaknesses and flaws that my mind and body is and was going through, I am blessed for being who I am. I love me.
I finally finished my writing today (Friday 15th) after starting on this topic last Sunday.
Have a nice evening everybody, wherever you may be!
Rose
15th.Nov '13
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