Birthdays and Heartaches

Hello everybody,

I haven't had enough time to write lately. I must find a way to juggle time effectively.
Anyway, yesterday,  I reached the big five o. Yeap, I turned fifty yesterday. How do I feel? The same, can't say I'd be jumping with joy and elation at the thought of being fifty. I feel birthdays are only for kids, teenagers and young adults. They appreciate and express it better than us, the older group.

When we are at this age, most of us would mellow down a little in everything we do. We became slow in our speech, slower in our strides and slower even with our brains. Not much but noticeable. There were things that we were passionate about years ago that now became of no importance. We were so crazily in love with our spouse back then that nothing else mattered. Now after twenty five years of blissful marriage, we had found a mutual comfort with one another that required nothing but understanding and trust. We don't go berserk when our man were ogling another woman. We don't automatically feel suspicious when our husbands were hanging on the phone longer than five minutes. We don't nag him like we used to. Instead, we feel cozy and content with our lives now. Men are insensitive creatures. I know that but sometimes, we need men to understand how we feel too. Not us only need to try and understand them always.

But, too much coziness and contented life is not good for us, I would say. It will lead any one of us to become static with our lives and productivity .We would also take each other for granted. I believe we should show some appreciation towards our spouse while they are there and still with us. Don't wait until one of us is gone coz by then it will be too late.
Ariff got me a book by my favorite author for my birthday, So did Sara. That was sweet of her! She saved daily and bought me something too. Sophie had gotten me something but she wanted to give it to me in person once she got home for semester break. Soffian totally forgot about it and my husband didn't seem to think birthday is important since both of us are now in our fifties. I felt hurt. I could get all the gifts and presents from everyone but I still look forward to receiving something from him, even a bouquet of flowers or just a wishing card would make my day.
 There was once, years ago when both of us were still working, he at one of the hotels on this island and I was with a Japanese travel agency. From inside my office I could see everything that moves outside. So, that day on my birthday, I saw a hotel van parked just outside my office. Then I saw the driver and his colleague pulled out flower bouquet and a cake from the back seat. I thought to myself then, how nice if those were for me. Surprisingly it did. The boys came into my office and straight away looked at me (well, I was the only Malay woman inside there, the rest were Japanese). They were like angels bringing me some pleasant gifts. "Miss, this is from Mr Ismail". I was shocked. That was so sweet of him. I said my thanks to the boys and while on their way out I saw one of them took out his mobile and called someone. Most probably my husband. Minutes later, while my colleague were admiring the bouquet and ogling the cake, I heard the fax ringing. As my colleague and I were about to cut and delve ourselves into the inviting cake, Mariko, shrieked, Rose-san, look at the fax. I took the fax and there written in bold letter was Happy Birthday and enjoy the cake. All of them were clapping with excitement. That was memorable. They were chattering in Japanese excitedly saying how lucky I was to have a thoughtful husband. That was then.
 I am not a romantic, well I was years ago but now I am not into this mushy stuff anymore. Though I still need some kind of acknowledgement from him that I matters to him.
We still get along well, we still can communicate with each other but like I said earlier,silently we fell into this static group. We were so well versed with one another that I know precisely what he wants or about to say by the slightest move he makes. Sophie once said to me, "Ma, you are creepy. Can you do that to all of us?"
I said yes so be very careful when any one of you think you can get away when trying to lie to me.

After my mastectomy, as you all know it, I was ashamed of myself and slowly I detached myself from him. After a while I felt sorry for him. So one day, I told him, I am giving him permission to find another wife. I don't want to feel guilty and living in sin by denying him his physical needs. For my non-Muslim readers, in Islam men are allowed to have four wives at any one time PROVIDED they can be fair in every way to their wives and to avoid adultery. Funny though to think I once told him when we were about to be married that if ever,ever he wants to have a second wife, I want him to let me go because I don't like sharing basis. Again in Islam, women cannot ask for a divorce just because we feel like it or lost interest in our husbands. We had to have a solid and good reasons according to syariah law. Thus, I warned him prior to us being husband and wife. Ironically, now, I am giving him a green light to find a second wife. See how mellowed I became.

I know, some women might think I went out of my mind. What? Letting her husband marrying another woman? She must be insane. I'd like to think it this way. The first reason was as per the above. The second reason, I will have some time to myself. I am a loner. I have always like being on my one. Not always but at times. Third reason, by allowing him to marry again, my responsibility was reduced to half. The second wife will take the other fifty percent of responsibility. I don't have to cook when I don't feel like it, I don't have to tidy up the house when don't feel like it and I can be in my pyjamas throughout the day without having to worry what my husband would think. The final reason is, I still have a husband to look and care after me. So what's to not like having your husband on sharing basis. From the way I see it, I am on the winning side.

My husband is a very quiet type. He keeps to himself most of the time. He's not the type to go around and throw a pick up lines to any woman. When we were young, he had a few serious flings but it was just a fling and was initialized by the girls not him. Whoa! Hang on, as for me, he came and court me okay. Not the other way round. I was a shy, terribly shy girl, remember, so there was no way I went after him (though he was cute then). Since I am on this topic about him, there was one incident I wish to share. I was furious then when it happened but now it sounded funny. There was this girl, his staff, who's got the hots for him  (did I use the right phrase?)  Some friends said she resembled me slightly. They would go out together for a drinks or watching football, etc.. I don't bother much since they were working together. But after a while things started to get a wee bit serious. She would call or page for him every now and then and the messages started to get and sound serious. By now I don't find it funny anymore. One evening she called. Quite late, close to eleven pm. We were all asleep. I picked up the phone angrily and said a groggy hello. It was quiet on the other side. I said hello again, still no response. I knew the line was still on because I could hear a weak thumping on the other side. A second later the line went dead. I knew right away it was the girl. I called the hotel and asked to speak to the girl. She came on the line and without any pleasantries I asked why did she call my house number.She denied strongly. I was hundred percent certain it was her. I asked again slowly why did she call? She was angry and said I was crazy to accuse her. I told her I was not stupid. "When the phone rang just now, I can hear a thump on the background. That indicates that the hotel is under renovation. Can you tell me how many hotels are there in Langkawi  and how many are under constructions? "
She went quiet. I continued, "Next time if you wish to speak to him just say so not just hanging up the phone. That's very rude and you're intruding our privacy ". What she didn't know was that I got the instinct of Mac Taylor and the head of Sherlock Holmes. I  placed down the phone and went back to sleep.

At times, I am tired of trying to please people. You can be chirpy and nice and go all your way out to make them feel good (especially those close to you) but they never seemed to appreciate what we are giving. It's like I want more and more and more but I won't give. I am the type of person who'd give and give and when I see and feel that it's not worth my time and not appreciated, I would turn myself cold towards that person. By then, it's too late. Yes I will still be nice but my heart was not in it anymore. I hated it when I turned that way.

Well, that's about it then. Heartache comes and goes. Like days and nights. We live and take things one at a time. Have a great weekend everybody.

Lots of love,
Rose
18th.May '13