Blame It On The Menopause

Hey people,

Missing me? I know you do. I am missing my blog too. Too many things going around that took many of my precious spare time lately.

The last couple of weeks has not been very pleasant for me. But as we all know, that what makes us human.  Without problems, we are not human. It's how we take it and solve it.

A few years ago or not too long ago, I was a person that my kids labeled as supermom. No..no..I am not bragging about myself, just stating what the kids called me. We had a small company, a travel agency, and I together with my husband run the company on our own.
I cooked before going to the office, I did the clerical work in the office, I drove around our guests/tourists (driving a 10 seater van) when shortage of staff, I do the entertaining whenever required, I negotiate deals with our suppliers, I look after our sales and profit, I went home in the evening and do the cooking again, I went through the children's homework together with them, I am by their side listening to their daily routine, I nursed them during sick and I am the financial controller.

Then as you all may know it, we lost the company, we lost the house and I was diagnosed with cancer. Initially, it was a bad turn for us but we managed to emerge through it all.
If I were to die today, I would die penniless but one thing I am sure of, I'd die happy.
Even though I am about to be declared a bankrupt in a few months time, I still live like another human being. I don't feel much remorse because I didn't cheat people, instead I  was cheated by my partner.

Now that my three children are working while Sara, being the youngest is in a local college, I can heave a sigh of relief. My responsibility towards them was three quarter withdrawn away from my shoulders. We make do with what little we have. I am the ma'am of the house now. The children and my husband supported me now. All I need to do now is sit down and look pretty..haha..dream on!

I was used to having and making money on my own, it takes some getting used to receiving money from others. I feel invalid yet I can't work too much on my toes now as I have a severe back pain. Standing up more than two hours and my body would feel as if I am under flame.

I have become overly sensitive now. I cried easily, I get irritated easily and I feel hurt with a never-intended sharp remarks from the children easily.
I hate the thought that they are taking me for granted.
I can't take any more problems that arises every now and then like I did before.
I've been through too much of pain throughout my life that I wish I could  now live quietly till my last breath.

The other day, I was driving Sophie home and I said, I need you to give me some extra attention. "I know you are doing the best you can, what with your busy schedule and your work is taking up most of your time, I feel neglected." She hugged me tightly and promised she will never neglect me.
I know she won't. It's just me. Blame it on the menopause.

I cried in Sara's presence too. I said to her I don't know what is becoming of me. Lately I feel sad most of the time. Like Sophie, she too consoled me, "Ma, please be strong. I hate to see you like this. Please bring back my old mom who laughs at the silliest joke I made, who muttered offensive remarks towards other drivers and who is ever ready to face the world come rain or shine.

There is one day I was upset with my husband. I am sure he didn't even know what he did. I totally ignored him and refused talking to him. Lucky me he's not the type that went berserk with my mood swing.

What I am trying to say is, this is the time when I needed my family the most. I have done my duty bringing them up and caring for them throughout the years, this is the time when they should do the same for me. Not always. Not all the time, but every now and then. Menopause is hard especially for women my age. It takes some getting used to and some moral support from every body to help me go through this. It helped me out tremendously.

I loved it when going out with Sophie for grocery shopping she would use her debit card to pay for it.
Or checking into a hotel, she would do the checking in instead of me.
Or she would order us the food for an occasional outside dinner.
I had done all these when they were young and I am content to know that they are doing it for me. I felt loved.

On the other hand, I have Sara, who will stroke my hand and said how beautiful my hands are (even though the wrinkles are visible).
Who will sniff my neck and mumbled, "Can any of the perfume maker invent something that can preserve your scent?"
Or a simple "I love you and you alone in the whole wide world". Sophie used to get mad with this remarks saying, "What was that supposed to mean. That I, dad and the others don't exist?"

The family has been so supportive towards me all the while. It's just me. I am being selfish. I am feeling lousy. I am getting cranky. To sum it all, I am selfish, lousy and cranky. Oh God! That sounded horrible. I had to get a grip on myself or I'd end up alone on my own.

For those who is going through menopause like what I am going right now, try to overcome it. Get yourself busy, try not to be alone or on your own too long, mix around with other people even though your heart is not in it.
Every now and then, we were awoken in the middle of the night and for no reason at all, we started crying feeling sad and useless. Remember it's not you. It's the hormonal change in you. For the Muslims, we could get up and perform a sunah prayer or recite verses from the Quran.
For my non Muslim friends, maybe you could read some books or watch a movie that you missed earlier. Do not let the misery brings you down. Do not stay still and dwell on the sadness. Wake up, get up, do something.
If you don't, it could lead you to yet another problem, depression.

I've been through that phase ( a period of over four years ) and it's almost over.
So come on girls, if I can do it, so can you. Be strong for yourself and your loved ones.

Have a nice day and stay healthy everybody.

With much love from me,
Rose
3rd.Dec '14