Assalamualaikum buat semua,
Alhamdullilah, berjaya juga kita menyempurnakan puasa bulan Ramadhan yang baru berlalu pergi. Sedih sebab dah berakhir Ramadhan dan kalau dipanjangkan umur olehNya bolehlah bertemu lagi ditahun depan. Tapi kalau dah termaktub sampainya masa kita dimasa terdekat ini, kita hanya mampu berdoa semoga diterima ibadah kita yang kadang-kadang cukup, kadang-kadang lalai.
Tahun ini saya berpuasa diPulau Pinang selama 3 minggu sebab meneruskan rawatan barah iaitu radiotherapy di hospital di sana. Saya menumpang tinggal di rumah kakak di Butterworth. Terima kasih banyak kepada kakak saya,Dida dan keluarga kerana membenarkan saya mengganggu hidupnya (wah! macam bahasa sastera la pulak).
Rawatan saya siap pada 16hb.Aug iaitu 3 hari sebelum 1 Syawal. Siap saja rawatan tu lebih kurang pukul 10:30 pagi, saya bersama Sophie terus pulang ke Langkawi dengan memandu kereta Proton Wira ( di bawa keluar dari Langkawi) yang telah berjasa kepada kami sekeluarga selama 12 tahun.
Sampai saja dirumah, kami mula sibuk dengan persiapan hari raya pula. Nasib baik hal-hal berkenaan hiasan dalam rumah,suami yang lakukan. Memang setiap tahun dia yang lakukan. Tugas saya selalunya menentukan apa yang patut ditukar, warna apa yang masuk dengan hiasan dan akhir sekali memasak. Saya sebenarnya dah agak keletihan disebabkan oleh rawatan dan perjalanan pergi balik ke hospital selama 3 minggu itu tapi disebabkan rasa kasihan meninggalkan anak-anak begitu lama, saya gagahkan diri juga untuk membuat sedikit jamuan ringan pada hari raya pertama untuk rakan-rakan mereka. Alhamdullilah, semuanya berjalan lancar.
Lega sepasai (bak kata orang utara).. Belum pun habis penat, kami terpaksa keluar ke Kuala Lumpur untuk menghantar Sophie yang akan memulakan hidupnya sebagai seorang pelajar kolej. Kami bertolak keluar pada raya kedua dengan mengambil feri terakhir iaitu pukul 7malam. Kereta Wira yang saya tinggalkan di Kuala Kedah tak boleh start pulak.Setelah berkali-kali dicuba baru boleh. Kami tawakkal saja. Kalau mati ditengah jalan, fikirlah sendiri apa nak buat. (Tapi saya dah tukar banyak spare part dan servis sekali sebelum mengambil keputusan untuk memandu ke K.L.)
Sampai juga kami ke Subang Jaya pada pagi raya ketiga. Check in kat hotel yang berhampiran kolej Sophie. Saya, suami, Sophie dan Sara dah keletihan sebab semalaman di perjalanan. Apa tunggu lagi, masing-masing tarik selimut dan tidur sampai pukul 2 petang. Lepas tu baru kami keluar cari makan.
Keesokan hari, sibuk dengan hal-hal pendaftaran nya pulak. Ke hulu hilir untuk menyempurnakan segala hal-hal berkaitan kemasukkannya.
Semakin dekat hari saya nak meninggalkannya (Sophie) semakin sebak rasa di dada. Ya Allah, dia baru saja balik dari U.S hari tu, baru sebulan kami bersama dengan dia, dah nak kena hantar lagi pulak. Inilah yang dikatakan hati seorang ibu, sekuat-kuat hati ibu, bilamana hal-hal berkaitan anak, kita menjadi selemah-lemah manusia. Kalau boleh tak nak tengok semut seekor pun menggigit mereka. Sampai terfikir nak beli rumah disana supaya dekat dengannya dan tukar sekolah Sara ke sana. Senang cerita. Tapi kalau dah pindah kesana, nak kerja apa pulak? Haih..pening..Kalau anak lelaki tu kita confident la sikit..ni anak pompuan.
Kami dah plan nak balik ke Langkawi pada hari Jumaat seawal pukul lima pagi.Tup-tup, petang khamis tu, lagi sekali kereta tak boleh start. Dah cuba berkali-kali tak boleh boleh jugak. Dah tak boleh nak buat apa lagi dah sebab time tu pun dah pukul 7 malam. Kedai kedai pomen pun dah tutup. Kami harap esok mekanik mai tengok sikit-sikit,lepas tu okay la kot. Rupanya-rupanya memang tak boleh start terus sebab fuel pump dia dah tak berfungsi. Kereta tu di tow ke workshop dan siap lebih kurang pukul 2petang. Pulak tu, macam tak cukup belanja hari raya, kena pula RM 540 untuk tukar fuel pump dengan tow charges sekali. Mak aii.. sakit jiwa kalau macam ni selalu..
Jadi, kami pun terpaksalah bertolak balik pada lebih kurang pukul 2.45petang. Saya lagi sekali terpaksa menelefon kakak saya,Dida untuk menumpang tidur dirumahnya untuk 1 malam. Sebab feri terakhir ke Langkawi pukul 7 malam. Dah tentu tak dan nak ambik feri tu. Saya memang rasa tak selesa sebab terpaksa mengganggu nya lagi tapi terpaksa sebab dah suntuk untuk memikirkan altenatif lain.
Kami keluar seawal jam 7.50pagi untuk balik ke Langkawi. Dan akhirnya kami sampai juga ke home sweet home.Barulah saya dapat berehat dengan sepenuhnya. Saya biarkan baju berlambak sebelum mencucinya keesokan hari.
Saya mula merindui anak gadis saya yang berseorangan di sana. Saya mula menangis apabila bercakap dan mendengar suaranya. Seperti kata Sophie, kami (saya, Sophie dan Sara) umpama The Three Musketeers. Tagline mereka ialah "All for One and One for All" Itulah kami. Kami terlalu rapat sehingga saya kadang-kadang risau, apa akan jadi pada salah seorang daripada kami sekiranya sesuatu yang tak diingini berlaku. Na"uzubillah. Kami boleh bercakap tentang segalanya bersama, sehinggakan kalau seorang baru berkata sesuatu, seorang lagi boleh menghabiskan ayatnya dengan betul. Walaupun mereka hanya baru belasan tahun tetapi mereka peka dengan isu di sekeliling. Kami boleh bercakap tentang cuaca, tentang musik (walaupun musik sekarang tu entah apa-apa... pada pendengaran saya) tentang politik dan segala macam lagi.
Rasanya, kita semua (ibu-bapa) akan melalui fasa yang sama iaitu terpaksa melepaskan anak-anak pergi setelah selesai tugas kita membesarkan mereka. Walaupun kita tidak akan pernah berhenti risau tentang kehidupan dan masa depan mereka selagi hayat dikandung badan. Semoga Syawal ini memberi seribu satu ketenangan dan kehidupan yang lebih bermakna buat kita semua.
Wassalam,
Rose
28th.Aug '12
Monday, 27 August 2012
Friday, 3 August 2012
I Got Cancer
Salam to all the Muslims & hello to everyone,
It has been almost 3 weeks since I last updated my blog.. Hectic schedule has made it quite impossible for me to catch up with daily mundane.
It has been in my mind for quite some time to write about this issue but I keep on putting it off and keep changing my mind every time I thought I got the courage of doing so. This morning after Sahur (early breakfast for those who fast during Ramadhan month), I said to myself I had to be brave. It's nothing. It's just cancer.
Yes, I'd like to write something about people with cancer as I am ONE of them. I've got breast cancer. There, it's out in the open. (even though my heart is beating so fast at the time I am writing it) I don't know why, but I feel kind of weird to let it out in the open. Maybe I don't want people's sympathy or the sorry look that one gave whenever they got to know that someone they know is battling for life because of this disease.
When I said hectic schedule that's because I am now in Penang for 3 weeks for my final treatment to battling this disease. I am here for radiotheraphy. I had to leave my husband and children back home in Langkawi. Since Sophie will only start her college in the last week of this month, she accompanies me whilst I am here in Penang. God had planned it in such a way that I am left in the capable hand of Sophie. Even though she's just only eighteen, she has become indispensable to me. She's such a darling. Usually, Sara, my other daughter will be with me but since this treatment is taking too much time, she is left with her dad and brothers. Poor baby..(oh she's 16 by the way) only to me she's still a baby.
I got to know about the disease last year in July. I don't know how to say about it. Was I in shock? Not really because I kind of expect it. I don't know why I said that but it's true. At the back of my mind, I thought I will have cancer one day and I did. How I feel about it? Again, I don't know. At first, when the doctors told me about it, I was calm. I didn't cry nor was I in state of agony, I just ask them quietly what stage was I. They said they can't confirm it yet. Will let me know in a week's time.
Mixed feeling and reaction came later after about a week. Initially,I cried for thinking I may die in a few years time. Oh my God, what about my children? My daughters? Who would be there to share their stories after coming home from school? Who would care for them the way I care for them all this while? I am sure their dad would be there for them but he is not me. He wouldn't know how to make them feel better when they are down. My boys. However much headaches they had given me, they are still my precious little boys. Who would want to have them? All these thoughts keep on lingering in my head that I don't have much time for anything else.
The first one month was the worst. I felt terrible. As if my mixed feeling of sadness,anger and fear didn't come into account, I had to start this treatment called chemotherapy. I hate it with all my might. Had to endure long hours with the drip stuck into the vein. It took six months before completing the whole session.The after treatment was worse. I felt nauseous,head-aches and lost of appetites. I hate the sight and smell of the hospital. It had become my second home. I soon lost all my hair. I looked hideous.I felt so unloved but this family of mine is one in a million. Each and everyone of them keep loving and caring for me even when I am in my foul mood.
Then came the thought, How will I die? Will I die slowly and in pain? Will it affect my family to see me dying? I especially worried about my 2 girls as we were always together sharing silly jokes and stories. I finally got my strength one day when I heard Sara cried when she thought I was already asleep and when Sophie rest her head on my shoulder at our little porch one evening and said quietly to me that we will fight together and that she wants me to get well soon so that she can take me travelling around the world with her one day. What else can you ask from Him? I am blessed with this family of mind and I promised myself that I will fight for their sake. If my time comes sooner that expected, at least they remembered me as someone who is always cheerful and has a positive thinking.
That is what I am doing now. Though,they may not know the true thoughts inside my mind, they know that I am sincerely fighting it for them and that I will not stop fighting it till the last breath of mine were taken by my Creator.
I hope my little blog will give some inspiration for those who had the same disease. Don't stop fighting. Remember each and everyone of us will die. The only difference is we kind of know our time might be sooner than others. That's all. But then again, we may out-lived others. It's in His hand. We're mere mortals, so enjoy what we have while it lasts.
That's all for today. God bless you and till next time. I am out.
Rose
4th.Aug '12
It has been almost 3 weeks since I last updated my blog.. Hectic schedule has made it quite impossible for me to catch up with daily mundane.
It has been in my mind for quite some time to write about this issue but I keep on putting it off and keep changing my mind every time I thought I got the courage of doing so. This morning after Sahur (early breakfast for those who fast during Ramadhan month), I said to myself I had to be brave. It's nothing. It's just cancer.
Yes, I'd like to write something about people with cancer as I am ONE of them. I've got breast cancer. There, it's out in the open. (even though my heart is beating so fast at the time I am writing it) I don't know why, but I feel kind of weird to let it out in the open. Maybe I don't want people's sympathy or the sorry look that one gave whenever they got to know that someone they know is battling for life because of this disease.
When I said hectic schedule that's because I am now in Penang for 3 weeks for my final treatment to battling this disease. I am here for radiotheraphy. I had to leave my husband and children back home in Langkawi. Since Sophie will only start her college in the last week of this month, she accompanies me whilst I am here in Penang. God had planned it in such a way that I am left in the capable hand of Sophie. Even though she's just only eighteen, she has become indispensable to me. She's such a darling. Usually, Sara, my other daughter will be with me but since this treatment is taking too much time, she is left with her dad and brothers. Poor baby..(oh she's 16 by the way) only to me she's still a baby.
I got to know about the disease last year in July. I don't know how to say about it. Was I in shock? Not really because I kind of expect it. I don't know why I said that but it's true. At the back of my mind, I thought I will have cancer one day and I did. How I feel about it? Again, I don't know. At first, when the doctors told me about it, I was calm. I didn't cry nor was I in state of agony, I just ask them quietly what stage was I. They said they can't confirm it yet. Will let me know in a week's time.
Mixed feeling and reaction came later after about a week. Initially,I cried for thinking I may die in a few years time. Oh my God, what about my children? My daughters? Who would be there to share their stories after coming home from school? Who would care for them the way I care for them all this while? I am sure their dad would be there for them but he is not me. He wouldn't know how to make them feel better when they are down. My boys. However much headaches they had given me, they are still my precious little boys. Who would want to have them? All these thoughts keep on lingering in my head that I don't have much time for anything else.
The first one month was the worst. I felt terrible. As if my mixed feeling of sadness,anger and fear didn't come into account, I had to start this treatment called chemotherapy. I hate it with all my might. Had to endure long hours with the drip stuck into the vein. It took six months before completing the whole session.The after treatment was worse. I felt nauseous,head-aches and lost of appetites. I hate the sight and smell of the hospital. It had become my second home. I soon lost all my hair. I looked hideous.I felt so unloved but this family of mine is one in a million. Each and everyone of them keep loving and caring for me even when I am in my foul mood.
Then came the thought, How will I die? Will I die slowly and in pain? Will it affect my family to see me dying? I especially worried about my 2 girls as we were always together sharing silly jokes and stories. I finally got my strength one day when I heard Sara cried when she thought I was already asleep and when Sophie rest her head on my shoulder at our little porch one evening and said quietly to me that we will fight together and that she wants me to get well soon so that she can take me travelling around the world with her one day. What else can you ask from Him? I am blessed with this family of mind and I promised myself that I will fight for their sake. If my time comes sooner that expected, at least they remembered me as someone who is always cheerful and has a positive thinking.
That is what I am doing now. Though,they may not know the true thoughts inside my mind, they know that I am sincerely fighting it for them and that I will not stop fighting it till the last breath of mine were taken by my Creator.
I hope my little blog will give some inspiration for those who had the same disease. Don't stop fighting. Remember each and everyone of us will die. The only difference is we kind of know our time might be sooner than others. That's all. But then again, we may out-lived others. It's in His hand. We're mere mortals, so enjoy what we have while it lasts.
That's all for today. God bless you and till next time. I am out.
Rose
4th.Aug '12
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